Getting Real about Rescue

I want to talk about rescue. It’s a concept we talk a lot about in SFC. Why? It comes up a lot. Especially for women. As women, we have been indoctrinated and ingrained to put others’ needs before our own. Our childrens’. Our partners’. Our friends’. The person behind us at the grocery store, who appears grumpy and has fewer items than we do. Intuiting others’ needs is not inherently a bad thing. It’s actually quite beautiful. So, what’s the problem? Well, if you know about the Rescue Triangle, you know that usually after rescuing for a stretch of time we start to feel burnt out. We can then move into persecution, where our frustration for having rescued gets directed out towards who we’ve been rescuing. This doesn’t feel good (for long), so we tend to feel guilty and thus start the rescue dance all over again. 

When I first learned about the Rescue Triangle, I thought, “Great! Now that it is obvious what is happening, I’ll stop rescuing.” Much much easier said than done. It’s important to look at why this is, because unless we do, it’s not likely that we will make effective changes. 

To make changes, it can be helpful to do a cost/benefit analysis. I recommend seeing that there are benefits to rescuing. Why would we do it otherwise? What are the benefits of rescue? Power, image or how we are perceived (being seen as successful, compassionate, understanding, helpful, kind, cooperative, or selfless) and lots of strokes* as a result. 

Let’s look at the costs too. Burnout, depletion, loneliness, isolation, not being seen completely in what’s going on in our lives, not having the sweetness of receiving, not having cooperative relationships where there is shared power and the potential for real collaboration or a sense of community (being a part of something greater than ourselves). Just to name a few. These costs are also side effects of the heavy emphasis of individualism* in our culture. Identifying this can make it easier to understand why this is a struggle and move away from personalizing it. When we personalize the problem, the pig comes in and tells us why it is our fault, how we are lacking, and that it should be easy to choose something different. The pig oversimplifies the problem. Either it’s our fault or someone else’s. Where is the possibility of change in that? The problem more complicated. There are boons and detriments, benefits and costs, carrots and sticks. If there is something we are getting out of rescue, why would we not keep doing it? 

You may have heard me say that the way out of the Rescue Triangle is to find out what we want and to ask for it. Be transparent with those close to us. For example, saying, “I struggle with rescuing. I’m afraid if I don’t rescue, I’ll be alone and won’t have the companionship, intimacy, or love that I so desperately want.” It’s a real problem. We are trailblazing a new way of connecting, creating sustainable relationships with cooperation being the underlying principle. Because we can’t do it alone. Actually, let me clarify, we may be able to do it alone for a period of time, but resources, energy, time, or ability may become more limited. Then what? And to what cost?

I’m curious to hear what you have to say. 

*strokes are another way to say appreciation or even praise – Eric Berne defines a stroke as a unit of human recognition, making it possible to discuss the exchange of affection or love in fine textured detail – Claude Steiner http://www.emotional-literacy.com/economy.htm

*by definition, individualism is the habit or principle of being independent and self reliant; a social theory favoring freedom of action for individuals over collective or social control